


jack daniel's.

by razussy



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Cowboy AU, F/F, Gift Fic, Oneshot, Other, au by zoya lol, farmer schaeffer, melissa is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26402518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/razussy/pseuds/razussy
Summary: melissa takes a trip to visit her friend, schaeffer, who has reached her ideal life.
Relationships: Melissa/Colonel Schaeffer (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	jack daniel's.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zoya113](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/gifts).



> can u spot all the jokes and references to previous works / other fandoms ?? i bet u can't jk it isn't that hARD this was for the kicks a little mental break from school work but most importantly a gift >:3c

‘she did it,’ melissa thought as she slowly drove the trail leading up to the driveway. ‘she actually did it.’ she came to a stop and parked her car, taking out the keys moments later and simply stared out her car window.  
she was staring at the ranch house in front of her, admiring how lovely and well-kept the exterior appeared as, then shifted her gaze to see one side of the yard was an open field with acres of what she assumed were crops. she couldn’t see what kind, though turning her head to check out the other side she was greeted with a miniature flower garden that mainly consisted of bright, yellow sunflowers. as she briefly inspected and named the other breeds under her breath, she noticed a certain someone crouching down and doing… something with one of the plants.

melissa climbed out of her car and skipped in the direction of the small patch; “good morning, schaeffer! you look well.” she greeted as she paused besides her, noticing schaeffer was placing a stone that had paint on it down.  
“morning to you, too, melissa,” nodded schaeffer, as she pulled away from what she was doing, then got off her knees and on her feet. she wore a funky looking cowboy hat that was a bit dirty, though luckily blocked the sun’s rays from hitting her face. the rest of her outfit was the stereotypical farmer clothes: flannel-pattern button down tucked into pants with an obnoxious belt looped around her waist. a red bandana hung out of one of her pockets rather than tied around her neck, and she had her favorite pair of boots on.

“who gave you that?” asked melissa, as she pointed at the rock that was recently put in its proper place. “it looks familiar but i can’t put my finger on it.”  
“you did. a couple years ago, while you went through your paint phase.” she replied, pulling off the gardening gloves she was wearing, and shoved them in her back pocket.  
“oh! bonk, that’s right- ugh, a weird short period of time i want to forget.” she said half-jokingly then let out a soft giggle, holding a hand close to her chest. if it isn’t obvious already, she is very excited to be able to see what her friend has been up to for who knows how long - this new world she entered must’ve represented the inside of schaeffer’s mind.

the first tour of the day was, of course, the flower bed in front of them. sunflowers, lilies, lavenders, daisies, poppies; the array of colors gave melissa a soft energy that she never thought she’d receive from her, out of all people. she felt rushed to get her admiring over with quick as schaeffer walked on to her right, a larger fenced-in area that had signs with fruits and vegetable symbols engraved on the wood. she probably commissioned someone to do that, looks too professional for her lack of whittling skill.  
“i didn’t know you had an interest in carrots, tomatoes, and whatever else is in here! it’s so pretty.” she gushed for a moment, as she followed her through the decently sized area with the still growing product. she knew that some foods needed to be grown in certain seasons or else they wouldn't be at their best quality, yet it seems these groups were doing quite fine under the other’s care.

“some of these are gross to me personally, but if i get money from selling it to locals that want to support me rather the stores,” replied schaeffer, who didn’t finish her sentence as though she was aware melissa could figure out what she was trying to get at without verbally saying it. fortunately she was right, she understood the logic behind her motives with what she is and isn’t growing at the moment. she read the small labels and what each plant was, wanting to get to know the pre-stages of the vegetables and fruit as she never wondered about it before.  
she had to admit, she was already loving this - she is ready to see what kind of animals she owns, she can imagine a bunch of cows and horses and chickens. she’d be offended if there isn’t any.

moving on to the backyard, there was a gravel path leading to the obvious barn and other structures she only could guess held all the machines and tools a farmer needed. her mind was going bonkers when her line of vision already was in view of a pig pen, the smell and noise of the hooved creatures surprisingly not too bad as she thought. she held onto schaeffer’s arm as they made their way to the pen.  
“stay back, don’t want your shoes to get ruined from the mud,” informed schaeffer, as she paused at a certain point she knew would be good enough for her. she glanced at melissa for a moment, watching her silly expression of glee glow while she focused on the lazy animals snort around. it made her feel good knowing she was interested in her ideal life, especially since she was patient enough with her to wait so long to get an answer on what she wanted to do after the retirement from peip.

“what are their names, schaeffer? i think this one right here would be called ‘yellowfang’.” she tilted her head at an all pale pink pig.  
“none of them have names, there’s only four of them and they are distinguishable enough.” she gestured towards the others; an all black boar, a spotted boar, and a less-spotted piglet. melissa gasped at her statement and whipped her head to look at her in shock. did she not care for her animals enough to give them proper names? what kind of cruel, villainous behaviour is this?  
“hmph!! that is rude of you, i say that a good pet owner would care more about that sort of thing, therefore i will be naming them now.” she announced the last part of her sentence, drawing schaeffer’s attention only for a moment.

“okay, what shall they be called then?” asked schaeffer, as she moved her arm away from her and rested her hands on her hips. she had a smug expression, but an uninterested one at the same time. melissa furrowed her brows then adjusted her glasses; she needed more time to think of a bunch of optional names than to immediately be put on the spot like that. she knew she didn’t have any thoughts at the moment, unless a long list of warrior cats’ character names counted as valid choices, though she doubted it considering who she was dealing with.  
“we need to come back to this topic later, miss cowboy schaeffer. i am far too distracted by the possibility of seeing a baby cow to even think straight.”

after saying this, all she heard was a scoff and a light grunt to signal her to follow her. rather than heading straight into the barn, they passed it to go to the farther back fields - she pretended to not see the obvious land meant to be a horse track, she can assume she will be seeing that in a short while. then melissa began to zone out while the duo traveled to where their destination was next; mind back to considering all the different names for the four pigs, and other animals that were more than likely unnamed.  
graystripe, toko fukawa, dodie, mitski, rum tum tugger- there are plenty of ideas running in her head, and yet none of them were perfect (to schaeffer’s standards).

'maybe i should use my handy dandy phone to look up the popular names in schaeffer's generation,' she thought. it made sense to her, these would be more familiar to her and easier to pronounce and remember! besides, even if schaeffer is dead set on not referring to these animals with the placeholder titles, melissa would love to challenge herself in memorizing them.  
she did have a special skill in memory games, she found them quite entertaining, especially when her friends get angry at her for always winning.

she must have been daydreaming too intensely because she found herself tripping over her own feet. embarrassing, yeah. melissa composed herself and glanced around and, with a sudden burst of energy, she threw her arms in the air.  
“cows!!” she exclaimed, amazed at the sight of the variety of cattle grazing the open land. there were a few standing and crunching away at their grass, while others were resting without care in the world. if counted, schaeffer owned about twelve cows, and only a few of them could offer her milk as rent for letting them stay.

schaeffer tipped her hat to confirm they were, indeed, cows — carol owed her twenty bucks for being right about her being mainly thrilled for the herd.  
“yes, and unlike the pigs, these friends of mine actually have things i refer to them as.” she lifted a hand to point at the farthest direction, and began to list them off a little too fast for melissa to connect who is who; however, the names on their own were interesting: watches, white&black, scar, bear trap, moo moo, shut-the-fuck-up-major, braids, emotional support, flags, ambition, and melissa.

“you named this fluffy lil guy after me?” asked melissa, as she held her hand out for the small calf to rub against it. on god, she felt like she was about to start crying out of feeling loved. schaeffer really was underappreciated, huh?  
“i know you have a thing for them. uhm, the whole… 'cottagecore' concept.”  
“and you remembered what it is called! awh, claire!” she whipped around and threw her arms around her friend, already feeling the tears spill. great! she's crying, schaeffer expected her to be happy, not upset – fortunately, her brain cells zapped together for her to realize they weren't tears of sorrow.

“okay, okay, enough of that.” she said, pushing her slightly as she did not enjoy this much direct contact. melissa had a doofy smile plastered on her face; she was practically shaking from how ecstatic she felt. traveling back up to where the barn was, she can already tell what is waiting for her there, so much so she kept not-so-subtly commenting about it as the duo walked.  
horses were always a favorite for schaeffer, and the amount of times she was forced to sit and watch an old western film supported this fact. all the hours spent listening to her close pal ramble on about the admirable strength of the creature made melissa think she was a horse-girl as a kid (think about it, it's funny.)

and there we have it, three beautiful stallions standing tall and strong. to be honest, she was kind of terrified of them; they can easily kick her with their hind legs, or even trample her to death without a second thought. what made this worse was the amount of horse accidents a year! approximately 35.7 personas per 100,000 in america alone? absolutely horrifying, she does not want it.  
though seeing schaeffer look nothing but proud of how far she's come balanced out the fear. she rather have her be in a safe and warm place than cold, seven feet underground.

“jack, king, and aj. my boys, my legends. melissa, pick one,” said schaeffer, as she turned towards her younger friend, who looked intimidated by all four of them.  
“uhm! i don't really want to ride any, schaeffer, it is not my thing!” excused melissa, as she held her hands up in defense.  
“no, stupid, pick one for me to ride. i can show you real life cowboy activity.” she balled a hand into a fast and shook it; she was grinning wide as she said this. oh, of course, she isn't very big-brained at the moment.

melissa crossed her arms as she inspected the three gentlemen, squinting her eyes just a tad to see if that would work with her better judgment. jack was a brown horse with a dorky white stripe down his face, and his mane was as black as coal; king was practically a copycat of him, though the stripe was only painted on his forehead, and his coat was a caramel shade; aj was an all black, antagonist-looking horse that melissa did not trust at all.  
“i'll have to say… jack.” she finally said after a couple long minutes, which she assumed she picked the correct choice once hearing schaeffer laugh.

“the toughest one! wonderful. here, kid, go wait over there near the gate. i'll come out on my noble steed very soon.”  
“whatever you say, schaeffer.” she let out a giggle then scampered away like a lost bunny, figuring the spot she paused at was where she was instructed to go to. even if she didn't find this stuff interesting at any other circumstance, melissa always imagined what she would look like steering a horse all around a track. it reminded her of that one game series a coworker of hers enjoyed so much - she didn't care enough to remember the title of it.

she propped her arms against the railing and leaned against it, returning to her habit of observing and admiring the scenery. she had nothing going on in her mind anymore, she has grown used to the new setting and layout, and really all that came back to her were the cows. god, those groovy little farm animals; setting her chin on her arm, melissa let herself daydream once more about her own ideal future home.  
due to being distracted by the current task of being with schaeffer, the daydream was more vague than how she usually liked them. flashes of pretty flowers with her cat exploring them, sweet peaches nearby growing each season, thin books she could read that were collecting dust. the minor, insignificant details are what make life so lovely to experience, in her personal opinion.

the sound of clopping tugged her out of her thoughts, and she turned her head in order to see schaeffer and jack stroll out of the barn. she admits, it was a bit of a silly sight from afar; she watched them descend down the path to where the designated area for horse-trotting was, unsure of what will happen.  
luckily nothing too crazy went down, only schaeffer riding around and shouting some stuff melissa could not make out very well. hey, as long as she was happy, right? she took her phone out of her bunny backpack and tapped on her screen until she opened her camera.  
“a little memory of miss claire enjoying life, as a treat.” she spoke to herself as she turned the phone horizontally, and began to record her friend having the time of her life.

perfect timing, too, as it would seem jack was slowing down just a bit in order to lift his front legs in the air; schaeffer took off her hat to shout a hardy “yeehaw”, causing melissa to break down in laughter. she tried to stop herself from shaking her phone too much, though it was no use, she was far too entertained to stop.  
“hell yeah, sheriff schaeffer! yeehaw!” she hollered back, her volume loud enough to reach the other woman, which made her happy since she could tell schaeffer was laughing. who knew it only took a couple acres of land, a few horses, and a farmer outfit for the former colonel to be at her peak? certainly she should’ve guessed, being her best friend, or at least general mcnamara. it didn’t matter now, they’re here and here to stay.

-

“jack daniel’s? is that what all the cool cowboys drink: whiskey?”  
night had began to fall, and after schaeffer got the rest of her chores done, she offered melissa to spend the night over so they could talk more - and drink, of course.  
“good alcohol to me, you probably wouldn’t like it. i have wine, if that suits your taste a little more,” commented schaeffer, as she sat down on a chair in her living room, tumbler in hand. she wasn’t wearing her hat anymore and had let her hair out of its ponytail.  
“ah, depends on what it is-”  
“you’re still up with that picky shit?”  
“hey, don’t cut me off! you’re picky, as well!” huffed melissa, as she stood up from the couch and crossed her arms. same ole’ melissa.

schaeffer let out a few chuckles before taking a sip of her whiskey; “the bottle is in the kitchen, it’ll be easy to spot.” she said as she gestured in the direction with her free hand. melissa gave her an enthusiastic nod, then made her way to the kitchen that satisfied the overall aesthetic the farmer was trying to achieve. she found the wine bottle on the counter near the sink, conveniently nearby a little window that she can take a sneak peek out of.  
she did, and she took notice of the hen coop that she seemed to overlook when she arrived earlier. huh, perhaps she can give each chicken in there a name, as well! after pouring herself a glass, melissa returned to the living room with excitement.

“sooo, i noticed you have chickens… do those need names, also?” she asked, tilting the glass towards schaeffer to let her know she was talking to her, then regrettably took a big sip. it wasn’t as sweet as she hoped it would be, but it worked.  
“actually, no. i only have one, i’m still waiting to get more. his name is sir pecky,” answered schaeffer, as she stared at the ceiling thinking about it. “that reminds me- did you ever come up names for the pigs?” once this was in the air, she bit her bottom lip in realization that she only had a list of stolen names from interests she enjoyed. she took in a deep breath then pointed a finger.

“fire-”  
“no.”  
“you didn’t even know what i was going to say!”  
“firestar; that cat bullshit you’ve loved since you were a child. i may be stupid, but i ain’t dumb.”  
“oh, whatever, schaeffer!”  
“ya’know you love me.”  
she was right about that, melissa did care for her, and even her anger towards schaeffer for disrespecting warriors can never change that.

**Author's Note:**

> yeehaw general


End file.
